A city without whores is like a house without bathrooms.
Why is there grass on my lunch?!?
That’s chive, Grandma…
Things not to say to someone who’s feeling insecure:
‘You’re a bit insecure sometimes aren’t you?’
On discussing driving tests: ‘Grandad said I could pass first time and so did I!
But then I drove up on the pavement…
There wasn’t any room on the road!
Anyway, he said I wasn’t safe for pedestrians’